People Pleasing Isn’t a Personality Flaw, It’s a Protective Response
There’s a brief stillness that comes before someone finishes asking something of you — not deliberate, but automatic. You’ve already said yes, without fully understanding what you’ve signed up for. As you get into the details, you realize you can’t do this. There’s no more room in your head to think clearly. There’s no more energy to give, show up, perform.
But you’ve already said yes.
A part of you wants to speak up, but another part of you says you’ll face backlash if you reconsider. Some parts of you know it might not go that way, but that doesn’t matter right now. You can’t risk not being asked again, not being a dependable person, not feeling like you belong. So you push through. Not to make others happy, but to feel secure knowing that your family, your friends, your job will still be there at the end of the day.
IFS Therapy understands people pleasing as a protective strategy. Protecting you from the pain of rejection and abandonment. From the pain of feeling like you don’t have a place within the family and relationships you’ve grown to love and care for, and desire to receive love and care from.
How people pleasing begins.
At first, the people pleasing starts off small. It feels like you’re just being helpful: you take on the extra task, stay on a call longer than you planned, and move around your own schedule to be there for others. Showing up this way offers relief and security, and you want to experience more of it. But over time, the people pleasing intensifies and you realize you’re left resentful and burnt out.
You find yourself stuck in traffic, heading to the Westside again to see your friends who barely make it out to the Eastside (or for my Bay Area folks, heading to Oakland when your friends never make it out to San Jose). You’re confused, wondering if you’re pursuing medicine because it’s your passion or because it’s what has always been expected of you. You find yourself at another straight bar, disoriented from wearing clothes and having conversations that make you feel so unlike yourself.
There comes a point when you feel done with the endless cycle and try to interrupt it. You’ve read what you can about setting boundaries but you still fear being a burden. You try saying “no” more than usual, but then find yourself saying yes to something else. You’re frustrated and stuck, asking why you can always show up for others but can’t do the same for yourself.
Willpower and boundaries alone can’t change people pleasing.
That’s because at its core, people pleasing is about trying to create a sense of safety, security, and belonging in your relationships. Anything that feels like it will create more distance, such as boundaries and saying no, activates the parts of us that fear being pushed away — bringing us back into the cycle of how we know how to get relief, by pleasing others.
Changing a strategy that has helped keep you safe for so long isn’t simple, and it doesn’t have to happen all at once. Through IFS therapy, you get to build a relationship with the part of you that people pleases. One that feels less contentious and more collaborative. It’s an opportunity to strengthen your ability to discern when you have the capacity to support others and how to tend to the part of you that fears rejection. With curiosity, IFS can also help you explore what relationships mean to you, empowering you to find ways to feel safe and secure without losing yourself.
A question you might find yourself exploring in an IFS session is: When did I start giving myself to others, and what made it hard to stop?
Start IFS Therapy for People Pleasing in Los Angeles
For those who have always shown up for others, and are learning to show up for themselves, reaching out is the first step. If any of this spoke to you and the people pleasing part of you, fill out the contact form to schedule a free 20-minute consultation. No pressure, just a genuine conversation. We’ll talk more about what’s brought you to therapy for people pleasing, and what it would feel like to feel connected to others without losing yourself.
Chris Datiles (he/him) is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and IFS therapist in Los Angeles. He works with adults who give a lot and are ready to receive. Using IFS Therapy for People Pleasing, he helps clients understand the parts of themselves that have been working overtime, carrying more than they should, and grieving losses they haven't had language for. Specializing in LGBTQ and BIPOC adults and couples, he sees clients in person in the Arts District and online throughout California.
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