The Five Gates of Grief
Grief can be a shattering and earth shaking experience. Whether it be the initial shock, sudden temporary waves of grief, or something that reminds you of what is no longer here on this earth — grief can demand you to pause and slow down. To think of grief just as an emotion that we can cope with diminishes the magnitude of what it means to live life with loss, absence, and longing. Grief is a process that asks you define your relationship to it, time and time again.
While grief is often associated with the death of a loved one, Francis Weller writes about the “Five Gates of Grief” in his book The Wild Edge of Sorrow, exploring the different ways you can experience grief throughout your lifetime. As you get to know more about the five gates of grief I encourage you to reflect on this question: Which gate of grief are you currently passing through and how is it influencing your life?
The Five Gates of Grief
The First Gate: Everything we love we will lose
This first gate includes what is often associated with grief, the loss of a loved one. It can also include the loss of a pet, a community, a home. The loss of the life you thought you would have, whether it be due to illness, transitions, or a dream that did not have the chance to fully breathe. At the core of this grief is that loss is inevitable.
The Second Gate: The places that have not known love
Here lies the grief of the parts of you that have been shamed, banished, and exiled. The parts of you that have never known love, whether it be due to neglect, discrimination, or abuse. The parts of you that feel rejected. At the core of this grief is the loss that comes with feeling like you don’t belong.
The Third Gate: The sorrows of the world
The sorrow and sadness of the losses you are witnessing occurring in the world live here. This looks like grief around the impacts of climate change. It looks like sorrow and anger around the displacement and genocide of communities due to colonization and imperialism. At the core of this grief is the loss that comes from living in a world that has forgotten to care about the collective.
The Fourth Gate: What we expected and did not receive
This gate of grief calls on you to be with the pain, sadness, and sorrow that arises when you reflect on what does not exist in your life in this very moment. At the core of this grief is the loss that comes with not receiving the love, support, and care you hoped for.
The Fifth Gate: Ancestral Grief
You may carry the beliefs, sorrow, and trauma of those who came before you. Passing through this gate means acknowledging the loss of language, rituals, names, stories, and rights that your ancestors and communities experienced even before you were born. At the core of this grief is honoring and developing an understanding of how the grief, loss, and sacrifices your parents, grandparents, and ancestors experienced can influence how you navigate this world.
How LGBTQIA+ and BIPOC Affirming Grief Therapy in Los Angeles Can Help
Grief therapy with me means exploring your history with loss, how your community taught you to grieve, and the grief rituals you grew up with in your culture so that together, we can tailor grief therapy to your specific experiences and needs. Whether you’re passing through one of the gates of grief or all five of them, you do not have to be alone in this.
4 Ways to start Grief Therapy with a Queer Asian American Grief Counselor in Los Angeles today
Fill out the contact form or text to schedule a free consultation.
Chat about how grief therapy can be tailored to your specific experiences with loss.
Schedule your first grief therapy appointment in-person in Los Angeles or virtually in California.
Work in therapy towards understanding how to honor your loss while you continue to navigate life.
Chris Datiles is a queer Filipino therapist in Los Angeles. He supports clients to slow down and make space for grief, at their own pace. In addition to grief therapy, he offers trauma therapy, and IFS Therapy in the Arts District and Eastside of Los Angeles, and virtually across California.